Saturday, March 28, 2009
Nice Jokes
Green,Pink,Yellow
An english man and a desi man were both going to a interview. They were asked to use the colours green. pink and yellow. The english man goes in and says the grass is green, the sun is yellow and the sunset is pink. The desi man goes in and says my phone goes green green i pink it up and i say yellow!!
Just Before I Die
Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"Well," his friend replies, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be able to sell!"
"And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
BILLO & TILLO
Two friends Billooo & Tillooo went to school for appearing in English exam (7th standard). They had crammed an essay of "MY BEST FRIEND". But unfortunately, in the question-paper it was written ...... write an essay on "MY FATHER” in just 30-45 words .So Billooo was utterly confused & nervous ...what to do!!! Tillooo gave an idea . . . . Just write the essay My best friend & just keep on replacing the word friend with the father..... So this was how Billooo & Tillooo wrote the essay "MY FATHER"......Fathers & fathers are everywhere, but good fathers are very rare. I have so many fathers, but my best father is pyarelal. He is my neighbour. He often comes to my home & my mother likes him very much.
MUSLIMS
There were two Christians Travelling on a plane. Sitting behind them was a Muslims. As they realized that a Muslims is Travelling with them. They started talking loudly with each other.
James said to Tim.
Tim where r u going, hopefully to Dubai.
Tim said Nah
There are too many Muslims, streets and roods are flooded with them.
James smiles and said then u must be going to Iran.
Tim said r u mad, Muslims in Iran are more fanatic and mad then Dubai.
Muslim who was listening to them could not bear it and said hey u both go to hell, for sure there would be no Muslim.
CLEVER
Teacher : Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil: Moon...
Teacher : Why?
Pupil : The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it.
GERMS
Teacher: What r the people of Turkey called?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: They r called Turks, now What r the people of Germany called?
Student: They r called Germs.
Kids Jokes
A FEW QUICK CRAZY NAMES
THE STRING IN THE TAIL
| 1 | Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head? A: Mandy Lifeboats! |
| 2 | Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker? A: Beatrix Potter! |
| 3 | Q: What do you call a lion with toothache? A: Rory! |
| 4 | Q: What do you call a man with a big truck on his head? A: Laurie! |
| 5 | Q: What do you call a man with turf on his head? A: Pete! |
| 6 | Q: What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows? A: Phantom of the Oprah! |
| 7 | Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get? A: Kung Flu! |
| 8 | Q: What do you call a man who doesn't sink? A: Bob! |
| 9 | Q: What do you call a Rodent that has a sword? A: A Mouseketeer! |
| 10 | Q: What do you call the bad lion tamer? A: Claude Bottom! |
THE STRING IN THE TAIL
Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings. They're having a great time until one string decides to go on the roundabout.
After a while, the string feels really dizzy and falls off, scraping across the tarmac and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap. The second string looked at him and sighed "you're not very good on that roundabout are you?"
The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot".
THE QUESTIONS FOR INQUIRING MINDS
| 1 | Q: Why did the King go to the dentist? A: To get his teeth crowned. |
| 2 | Q: What do you call a three legged donkey? A: A wonkey. |
| 3 | Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? A: It barked with de-light! |
| 4 | Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter? A: Because it's too far to walk. |
| 5 | Q: why are fish so smart? A: Because they live in schools. |
| 6 | Q: What is black and white, black and white, black and white? A: A zebra caught in a revolving door. |
| 7 | Q: What do dogs eat at the cinema? A: Pup-corn! |
| 8 | Q: What's a snakes favourite subject in class? A: Hissssstory. |
| 9 | Q: Why do monkeys have big noses? A: Because they've got big fingers. |
| 10 | Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: a bulldozer! |
Best Educational Jokes
A QUICK SPELLING TEST
The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and asked who could spell it.
George raised his hand and he spelled out, "d-i-k-t-a-t-e."
The teacher said, "sorry that's wrong" Then she asked Stephen.
Stephen slowly spelled out, "d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e."
"Sorry" says the teacher, "that's not right either."
Next, she asked Fiona After a slight pause Fiona began spelling, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e."
"Very good Fiona," applauded the teacher, "that's correct. Now," the teacher continued, "who can use this word in a sentence?"
Stephen raised his hand quick as a flash shouting, "I know-Iknow,"
"OK" replied the teacher, "please use the word Stephen."
Stephen responded, "How did my dictate last night, Fiona?"
FUN! FUN! FUN!
A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see... Fun period ... fun period ... fun no period ... worry worry worry!"
A SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING
In a primary school classroom, the teacher notices a little puddle underneath Mary's chair.
"Oh Mary!" says the teacher, "you should have put your hand up."
"I did," Mary replied. "But it still trickled through my fingers."
ANY IDIOTS IN THE ROOM?
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
THE ATTRACTIVE UNDER GRADUATE
One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.
Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."
The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"
To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say."
After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"
The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."
The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."
Kitchen Tips
1. If fish is to be stored for more than a day, clean it, rub with salt, turmeric and if liked, a dash of vinegar before freezing.
2. Storing Onions
Living only a short distance from Vidalia, Ga. where these wonderful onions are grown, I have enjoyed these onions for years. Here are a few tips for storing your onions.
You can store your onions for up to six months without freezing by wrapping your onions separately in paper towels or foil and storing in
your refrigerator.
There are three ways you can freeze your onions. Freezing changes the onions texture, so frozen onions should be used only for cooking.
Chop and place onions on a cookie sheet in the freezer. When frozen, remove and place in freezer containers or bags, and seal. This allows you to remove the amount you want, when you want.
You can also freeze whole onions. Peel, wash, core and place onions in a plastic bag and freeze.
You may also slice your onions and saute them in a little butter, cool and then freeze in freezer bags. I do this for winter soups, stews and casseroles.
Drying - Chop onions and dry in oven using lowest setting and remove when thoroughly dry but not brown. Store at room temperature in airtight container.
To bring out the true sweetness of the onions when eating raw, place onion in the fridge, skin on, for one hour before using. In a hurry? Place the onion in a bowl of ice water for about 15-20 minutes, remove and drain on paper towels.
The tried and true way to store your onions when in season is the old panty hose trick. I sort my onions by size, drop them in, tie off at the top of each onion and keep going until each leg is full. When you need a onion, just cut below the knot above the onion. Make sure you hang your onions in a well ventilated area. I hang mine on my screened back porch by my kitchen so I have quick access to them.
I hope this info will help you enjoy your onions all year long.
Happy Cooking!
3. Homemade Non-Stick Coating
1 cup Vegetable Oil
1 cup Shortening
1 cup Flour
In a large mixing bowl, mix until smooth with electric mixer. Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator until needed. Use this to coat pans for cakes, muffins, pies or anything that requires greased and floured' pans.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After you have used a stick of margarine or butter, save the wrappers and put in a ziploc bag and throw in the freezer. The next time one of your recipes call for greasing a cake pan,etc. pull out one of these wrappers and use it for that purpose. It works great and is economical too!! :-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just an easy hint for all who love cabbage rolls. I take the core out of the cabbage, wrap in WET paper towels, & microwave for about 10minutes. You can use every leaf this way. If all the leaves aren't soft, just re-wet the towels & microwave another 2-3 minutes. Hope this helps some...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Choosing Butter, Margarine
For the best flavor and texture, be sure to use the exact type of butter, margarine or vegetable shortening -- called for in each recipe. Substituting one type for another could change the taste or the texture of your finished product. Do not use vegetable oil spreads, diet, "lite", soft, whipped, or liquid versions of butter or margarine. These products may also give you unsatisfactory results.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Measuring Ingredients
Be sure to measure your ingredients carefully. Use metal or plastic nested cups for dry ingredients like flour and sugar, and graduated glass or plastic cups with spouts for liquids. If you use the liquid measuring cup for flour you may get an extra tablespoon or more per cup, which could make cookies hard and dry. To measure flour, lightly spoon it from the canister into the measuring cup and level it with a straight edge of a spatula or knife. Do not tap or shake the cup to level it. When measuring brown sugar, pack it firmly into the dry measuring cup so that it holds its shape when it is removed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Preheating Your Oven
Preheat oven for at least 10 to 15 minutes before starting to bake. Oven temperatures can vary from the dial settings by as much as 50 degrees, so you may need to check the temperature with an oven thermometer. If you don't have one, try a test cookie. If it spreads too much, the temperature may be too high.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Getting the Best Baking Conditions for Cookies
Bake one sheet of cookies at a time. Center the rack in the middle of the oven. If you put two baking sheets in the oven at one time, it is best to switch their positions halfway through the baking time. Allow cookie sheets to cool thoroughly between batches. Putting the dough onto hot cookie sheets may cause the cookies to spread and brown too much around the edges.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Selecting Baking Sheets for Cookies
Use flat baking sheets or those with very low edges. Shiny, heavy gauge aluminum is best; dark cookie sheets may cause excessive browning. For best results, the cookie sheets should be 1 to 2 inches smaller than the oven rack on all sides to allow for proper air circulation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Preparing Cookie Baking Sheets
Prepare cookie sheets and baking pans as directed before you begin to mix the recipe. If light greasing is suggested, use vegetable oil spray or a small amount of solid vegetable shortening. Do not use butter or margarine as it may burn on cookie sheets. You might also want to use bakers' parchment paper (available in many supermarkets and specialty stores) instead of greasing cookie sheets -- it will also save on cleanup time!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sizing and Shaping Cookies
Make cookies in the same batch the same size and shape. Arrange pieces of cookie dough in even rows on the baking sheets so they heat evenly. Do not leave large empty spaces; this may cause cookies to burn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cooling Baked Goods
Allow cookies to cool slightly before removing them from the baking sheet. As soon as they are firm enough to move without breaking, transfer them to a wire rack to cool completely. Do not leave cookies on the hot baking sheet -- they will continue to cook!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Storing Baked Goods
Wait until cookies have completely cooled -- then store them in tightly covered containers. Do not store crisp and soft cookies together -- the crisp ones will soften.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Freezing Cookies
Freeze baked cookies for months of ready-made snacks. Cooled cookies, double-wrapped in plastic sheets or plastic storage bags will last up to 3 months. To thaw, remove cookies from freezer, unwrap and place them in a single layer on wire racks for 15 to 30 minutes. Store uneaten cookies in a tightly covered container.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to tell if an egg is fresh
Old wives' tales? Maybe. Lower uncooked eggs into a bowl of water. If the egg settles horizontally, the egg is fresh enough for human consumption. If it settles vertically, feed it to the dog. If it rises to the top, feed it to the hydrangeas.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to hard cook eggs without cracking them
Use fresh eggs, preferably organic or grain fed, as they peel more easily once cooked. They also have better texture and flavor.
Handle like eggs. Or nitroglycerin.
Bring eggs to room temperature before cooking. This helps prevent cracking due to the sudden shock of temperature change and ensures a properly cooked egg. If you do use eggs right out of the refrigerator, add a minute or two to the cooking time.
Simmer eggs. A rolling boil is too violent. Call them "hard cooked" instead of "hard boiled" and you'll remember this hint.
Don't crowd the pan. The eggs will knock each other and crack.
In a saucepan, bring enough water to cover the eggs to a boil. With a slotted spoon, lower the eggs into the water. Quickly, bring the water back to a boil. Lower the temperature to medium heat and simmer exactly 10 minutes. Remove the eggs with a slotted spoon and plunge into a bowl of cold tap water. The cold water will stop further cooking and create a gap between shell and egg for easier peeling. You may put the eggs right into a color bath now if you wish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to color eggs without the silly kit
In a bowl (not metal), pour in enough water and white distilled vinegar to cover the eggs. For pastel colors use one cup of water to 1 tablespoon of vinegar. (Intensify the color by reducing the amount of water used or leaving the eggs in the dye for longer periods of time.) Using basic food coloring, mix your own shade in the water and vinegar. Be sure the food coloring is completely blended so there are no "stains" on the eggs. Carefully submerge hard cooked eggs in the color bath, rotating frequently, until of desired intensity.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Egg coloring tricks
For an easy tie dyed look, wrap the egg with rubber bands before coloring.
Take a candle or other piece of wax and draw whatever you fancy on the egg-- the dye will not be absorbed by the wax.
Mix some offbeat colors. Or use a very strong solution of dye and leave the eggs in it for a long while-- a deeply colored egg is gorgeous.
Fashion a ring to hold the egg at the end of a handle out of some seizing wire (or other stiff wire) and lower the egg very, very slowly into the bath to create a striated effect.
Let kids decorate the eggs. Set some eggs aside that will not be eaten, collect odds and ends from house and garden, provide glue sticks, and let the little ones put Fabergé to shame.
2. Storing Onions
Living only a short distance from Vidalia, Ga. where these wonderful onions are grown, I have enjoyed these onions for years. Here are a few tips for storing your onions.
You can store your onions for up to six months without freezing by wrapping your onions separately in paper towels or foil and storing in
your refrigerator.
There are three ways you can freeze your onions. Freezing changes the onions texture, so frozen onions should be used only for cooking.
Chop and place onions on a cookie sheet in the freezer. When frozen, remove and place in freezer containers or bags, and seal. This allows you to remove the amount you want, when you want.
You can also freeze whole onions. Peel, wash, core and place onions in a plastic bag and freeze.
You may also slice your onions and saute them in a little butter, cool and then freeze in freezer bags. I do this for winter soups, stews and casseroles.
Drying - Chop onions and dry in oven using lowest setting and remove when thoroughly dry but not brown. Store at room temperature in airtight container.
To bring out the true sweetness of the onions when eating raw, place onion in the fridge, skin on, for one hour before using. In a hurry? Place the onion in a bowl of ice water for about 15-20 minutes, remove and drain on paper towels.
The tried and true way to store your onions when in season is the old panty hose trick. I sort my onions by size, drop them in, tie off at the top of each onion and keep going until each leg is full. When you need a onion, just cut below the knot above the onion. Make sure you hang your onions in a well ventilated area. I hang mine on my screened back porch by my kitchen so I have quick access to them.
I hope this info will help you enjoy your onions all year long.
Happy Cooking!
3. Homemade Non-Stick Coating
1 cup Vegetable Oil
1 cup Shortening
1 cup Flour
In a large mixing bowl, mix until smooth with electric mixer. Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator until needed. Use this to coat pans for cakes, muffins, pies or anything that requires greased and floured' pans.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After you have used a stick of margarine or butter, save the wrappers and put in a ziploc bag and throw in the freezer. The next time one of your recipes call for greasing a cake pan,etc. pull out one of these wrappers and use it for that purpose. It works great and is economical too!! :-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just an easy hint for all who love cabbage rolls. I take the core out of the cabbage, wrap in WET paper towels, & microwave for about 10minutes. You can use every leaf this way. If all the leaves aren't soft, just re-wet the towels & microwave another 2-3 minutes. Hope this helps some...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Choosing Butter, Margarine
For the best flavor and texture, be sure to use the exact type of butter, margarine or vegetable shortening -- called for in each recipe. Substituting one type for another could change the taste or the texture of your finished product. Do not use vegetable oil spreads, diet, "lite", soft, whipped, or liquid versions of butter or margarine. These products may also give you unsatisfactory results.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Measuring Ingredients
Be sure to measure your ingredients carefully. Use metal or plastic nested cups for dry ingredients like flour and sugar, and graduated glass or plastic cups with spouts for liquids. If you use the liquid measuring cup for flour you may get an extra tablespoon or more per cup, which could make cookies hard and dry. To measure flour, lightly spoon it from the canister into the measuring cup and level it with a straight edge of a spatula or knife. Do not tap or shake the cup to level it. When measuring brown sugar, pack it firmly into the dry measuring cup so that it holds its shape when it is removed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Preheating Your Oven
Preheat oven for at least 10 to 15 minutes before starting to bake. Oven temperatures can vary from the dial settings by as much as 50 degrees, so you may need to check the temperature with an oven thermometer. If you don't have one, try a test cookie. If it spreads too much, the temperature may be too high.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Getting the Best Baking Conditions for Cookies
Bake one sheet of cookies at a time. Center the rack in the middle of the oven. If you put two baking sheets in the oven at one time, it is best to switch their positions halfway through the baking time. Allow cookie sheets to cool thoroughly between batches. Putting the dough onto hot cookie sheets may cause the cookies to spread and brown too much around the edges.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Selecting Baking Sheets for Cookies
Use flat baking sheets or those with very low edges. Shiny, heavy gauge aluminum is best; dark cookie sheets may cause excessive browning. For best results, the cookie sheets should be 1 to 2 inches smaller than the oven rack on all sides to allow for proper air circulation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Preparing Cookie Baking Sheets
Prepare cookie sheets and baking pans as directed before you begin to mix the recipe. If light greasing is suggested, use vegetable oil spray or a small amount of solid vegetable shortening. Do not use butter or margarine as it may burn on cookie sheets. You might also want to use bakers' parchment paper (available in many supermarkets and specialty stores) instead of greasing cookie sheets -- it will also save on cleanup time!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sizing and Shaping Cookies
Make cookies in the same batch the same size and shape. Arrange pieces of cookie dough in even rows on the baking sheets so they heat evenly. Do not leave large empty spaces; this may cause cookies to burn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cooling Baked Goods
Allow cookies to cool slightly before removing them from the baking sheet. As soon as they are firm enough to move without breaking, transfer them to a wire rack to cool completely. Do not leave cookies on the hot baking sheet -- they will continue to cook!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Storing Baked Goods
Wait until cookies have completely cooled -- then store them in tightly covered containers. Do not store crisp and soft cookies together -- the crisp ones will soften.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Freezing Cookies
Freeze baked cookies for months of ready-made snacks. Cooled cookies, double-wrapped in plastic sheets or plastic storage bags will last up to 3 months. To thaw, remove cookies from freezer, unwrap and place them in a single layer on wire racks for 15 to 30 minutes. Store uneaten cookies in a tightly covered container.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to tell if an egg is fresh
Old wives' tales? Maybe. Lower uncooked eggs into a bowl of water. If the egg settles horizontally, the egg is fresh enough for human consumption. If it settles vertically, feed it to the dog. If it rises to the top, feed it to the hydrangeas.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to hard cook eggs without cracking them
Use fresh eggs, preferably organic or grain fed, as they peel more easily once cooked. They also have better texture and flavor.
Handle like eggs. Or nitroglycerin.
Bring eggs to room temperature before cooking. This helps prevent cracking due to the sudden shock of temperature change and ensures a properly cooked egg. If you do use eggs right out of the refrigerator, add a minute or two to the cooking time.
Simmer eggs. A rolling boil is too violent. Call them "hard cooked" instead of "hard boiled" and you'll remember this hint.
Don't crowd the pan. The eggs will knock each other and crack.
In a saucepan, bring enough water to cover the eggs to a boil. With a slotted spoon, lower the eggs into the water. Quickly, bring the water back to a boil. Lower the temperature to medium heat and simmer exactly 10 minutes. Remove the eggs with a slotted spoon and plunge into a bowl of cold tap water. The cold water will stop further cooking and create a gap between shell and egg for easier peeling. You may put the eggs right into a color bath now if you wish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to color eggs without the silly kit
In a bowl (not metal), pour in enough water and white distilled vinegar to cover the eggs. For pastel colors use one cup of water to 1 tablespoon of vinegar. (Intensify the color by reducing the amount of water used or leaving the eggs in the dye for longer periods of time.) Using basic food coloring, mix your own shade in the water and vinegar. Be sure the food coloring is completely blended so there are no "stains" on the eggs. Carefully submerge hard cooked eggs in the color bath, rotating frequently, until of desired intensity.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Egg coloring tricks
For an easy tie dyed look, wrap the egg with rubber bands before coloring.
Take a candle or other piece of wax and draw whatever you fancy on the egg-- the dye will not be absorbed by the wax.
Mix some offbeat colors. Or use a very strong solution of dye and leave the eggs in it for a long while-- a deeply colored egg is gorgeous.
Fashion a ring to hold the egg at the end of a handle out of some seizing wire (or other stiff wire) and lower the egg very, very slowly into the bath to create a striated effect.
Let kids decorate the eggs. Set some eggs aside that will not be eaten, collect odds and ends from house and garden, provide glue sticks, and let the little ones put Fabergé to shame.
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