I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
Mike Tyson
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt
2. Writers Quotes
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy
I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.
William Faulkner
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
Steve Martin
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Mel Brooks
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
William Faulkner
The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley
3. Men Quotes
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Madonna
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henry Youngman
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.
Rita Rudner
This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'
I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'
Judy Tenuta
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
Jean Kerr
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen
I love men, even though they're lying, cheat
Friday, March 27, 2009
JOKES
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Writing Practice Test
You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.
Write at least 150 words.
You do NOT need to write any addresses.
Begin your letter as follows:
Dear………………………
A family member is coming to stay with you. He/she will be arriving by train in the morning, but you won’t be home until the evening.
Write a letter to your relative. In your letter:
explain arrangements you have made for them to have keys and get into the house
tell your relative how to get from the train station to your house
say when you will be home and suggest what you could do together that evening
Write at least 150 words.
You do NOT need to write any addresses.
Begin your letter as follows:
Dear………………………
A family member is coming to stay with you. He/she will be arriving by train in the morning, but you won’t be home until the evening.
Write a letter to your relative. In your letter:
explain arrangements you have made for them to have keys and get into the house
tell your relative how to get from the train station to your house
say when you will be home and suggest what you could do together that evening
Listening Practice Test #1
Section 1 Questions 1-10
Questions 1-4
Complete the notes below
Write NO MORE THAN TWO WORDS AND/OR A NUMBER for each answer.
White Cloud Adventures
Tour details
Example Answer
Tour name: Dolphin Watch
Length of tour: 1._______________________
Maximum group size: 2.Up to _____________ on the boat
Next available tour date: 3.________________________
Hotel name: The 4.________________
Questions 5 and 6
Choose TWO answers from the list and write the correct letter A-E next to questions 5 and 6.
Which two things are included in the price of the tour?
Overnight accommodation
Evening meal
Drinks and lunch
Use of kayaks
Sauna and gym
Questions 7-10
Complete the sentences below
Write NO MORE THAN THREE WORDS AND/OR A NUMBER for each answer
7. For a booking of three or more, per person the tour costs……
8. A …… deposit is required.
9. The coach leaves at ………
10. The booking number is……….
Questions 1-4
Complete the notes below
Write NO MORE THAN TWO WORDS AND/OR A NUMBER for each answer.
White Cloud Adventures
Tour details
Example Answer
Tour name: Dolphin Watch
Length of tour: 1._______________________
Maximum group size: 2.Up to _____________ on the boat
Next available tour date: 3.________________________
Hotel name: The 4.________________
Questions 5 and 6
Choose TWO answers from the list and write the correct letter A-E next to questions 5 and 6.
Which two things are included in the price of the tour?
Overnight accommodation
Evening meal
Drinks and lunch
Use of kayaks
Sauna and gym
Questions 7-10
Complete the sentences below
Write NO MORE THAN THREE WORDS AND/OR A NUMBER for each answer
7. For a booking of three or more, per person the tour costs……
8. A …… deposit is required.
9. The coach leaves at ………
10. The booking number is……….
Preparation Tips of IELTS
The following study hints will help you in the weeks leading up to the IELTS. Become familiar with the test as early as possible. The skills being tested in the IELTS take a period of time to build up. Cramming is not an effective study technique for IELTS. Use your study time efficiently. Study when you are fresh and, after you have planned a timetable, make sure that you keep to it. Set goals and ensure that you have adequate breaks. In the IELTS test, each of the four Band Modules Listening, Reading, Writing and Speaking carries the same weight. Study each skill carefully and spend more time on the skills in which you feel you are weak. Be aware of the exact procedure for the test. Be very clear on the order of each section, its length and the specific question types. There are many resources available to help you practice these skills. Having a study partner or a study group is an excellent idea. Other students may raise issues that you may not have considered. Seek help from teachers, friends and native English speakers.
Countdown to the test
Days before the test
This is not a time for intensive study. It is a time to review skills and your test technique. It is important to exercise, eat, rest and sleep well during the week in which you will take the test. Leave nothing to chance. If you do not know how to get to the test centre, try going there at a similar time one or two weeks before the real test.
The night before the test
You must have a good dinner and go to bed at your normal time not too early and not too late, as you do not want to disrupt your sleep pattern if possible. Have everything ready that you need to take with you to the test so you can simply pick it up in the morning, for example, the test registration form, passport, test number, pens, pencils, erasers, etc. A pen that runs dry or a pencil that breaks can take several minutes to replace. Check before the exam exactly what articles you need. Set your alarm clock the night before or arrange a wake-up call.
On the morning of the test
Eat a good breakfast. You will have several hours of concentration ahead of you and you will need food and drink in the morning. You may even want to bring more food or a snack with you, especially if your speaking test is at a later time that day. You cannot, however, take food or drink into the exam room. If possible, wear a watch in case you cannot see the clock in the exam room. It is essential that you keep track of time. Give yourself plenty of time to get to the test centre. You will be required to complete a registration form and to show your passport before you enter the examination room so you must arrive at the time specified by your test centre. If you are early, you could go for a walk. If you are late, you will not be allowed to enter. Avoid the added tension of having to rush.
During the test
Most students at the test will feel nervous. This is quite normal. In fact, it can actually be quite helpful in terms of motivation. It may make you alert and help you to focus. The aim is for you to try to perform at your optimum level. In contrast, high levels of anxiety can affect a student's performance. However, much of this anxiety can be overcome by good preparation, familiarity with test details and a positive attitude. The examination room should be suitable for testing, that is, the lighting, ventilation and temperature should be appropriate. If you are uncomfortable because of any of these factors or if there is some other problem, such as not being able to hear the recording of the Listening Module, make sure you ask the person in charge to do something about it. For example, you may ask to change seats.
Examination technique
By using good examination technique you could help to improve your overall score for the IELTS test. Remember that every section is marked independently. Do not jeopardise your performance in one section just because you believe that you have done badly in another. Do not underestimate or try to predict your outcome. You may, in fact, have done better than you imagined. Focus on what you know rather than on what you don't know while you are doing the test. Ensure that you adhere to the times suggested as they usually correspond to the number of marks given for a particular question. In the Listening and Reading Modules, it is a good idea to write down an answer, even if you are not sure of it, before moving on to the next question. Many students intend to return to the answers they have omitted at the end of the test but do not have enough time to do so. Furthermore, by writing your best answer at the actual time of reading the question, you save the time you need to spend again on re-reading the question and re-acquainting yourself with the subject matter. If you are not confident about your answer, mark it in some way and return to it at the end.
Countdown to the test
Days before the test
This is not a time for intensive study. It is a time to review skills and your test technique. It is important to exercise, eat, rest and sleep well during the week in which you will take the test. Leave nothing to chance. If you do not know how to get to the test centre, try going there at a similar time one or two weeks before the real test.
The night before the test
You must have a good dinner and go to bed at your normal time not too early and not too late, as you do not want to disrupt your sleep pattern if possible. Have everything ready that you need to take with you to the test so you can simply pick it up in the morning, for example, the test registration form, passport, test number, pens, pencils, erasers, etc. A pen that runs dry or a pencil that breaks can take several minutes to replace. Check before the exam exactly what articles you need. Set your alarm clock the night before or arrange a wake-up call.
On the morning of the test
Eat a good breakfast. You will have several hours of concentration ahead of you and you will need food and drink in the morning. You may even want to bring more food or a snack with you, especially if your speaking test is at a later time that day. You cannot, however, take food or drink into the exam room. If possible, wear a watch in case you cannot see the clock in the exam room. It is essential that you keep track of time. Give yourself plenty of time to get to the test centre. You will be required to complete a registration form and to show your passport before you enter the examination room so you must arrive at the time specified by your test centre. If you are early, you could go for a walk. If you are late, you will not be allowed to enter. Avoid the added tension of having to rush.
During the test
Most students at the test will feel nervous. This is quite normal. In fact, it can actually be quite helpful in terms of motivation. It may make you alert and help you to focus. The aim is for you to try to perform at your optimum level. In contrast, high levels of anxiety can affect a student's performance. However, much of this anxiety can be overcome by good preparation, familiarity with test details and a positive attitude. The examination room should be suitable for testing, that is, the lighting, ventilation and temperature should be appropriate. If you are uncomfortable because of any of these factors or if there is some other problem, such as not being able to hear the recording of the Listening Module, make sure you ask the person in charge to do something about it. For example, you may ask to change seats.
Examination technique
By using good examination technique you could help to improve your overall score for the IELTS test. Remember that every section is marked independently. Do not jeopardise your performance in one section just because you believe that you have done badly in another. Do not underestimate or try to predict your outcome. You may, in fact, have done better than you imagined. Focus on what you know rather than on what you don't know while you are doing the test. Ensure that you adhere to the times suggested as they usually correspond to the number of marks given for a particular question. In the Listening and Reading Modules, it is a good idea to write down an answer, even if you are not sure of it, before moving on to the next question. Many students intend to return to the answers they have omitted at the end of the test but do not have enough time to do so. Furthermore, by writing your best answer at the actual time of reading the question, you save the time you need to spend again on re-reading the question and re-acquainting yourself with the subject matter. If you are not confident about your answer, mark it in some way and return to it at the end.
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